I'm not sure when it happened, but this heart of mine is broken. It has so many cuts and scrapes and bruises. The injuries come from putting my trust in people instead of the Father, being crushed when said people disappoint me, and then hardening my heart and putting up almost insurmountable walls between me and people. 

And the remedy I have tried to use so many times is Band-Aids. Putting Band-Aids on a heart is no bueno. They just cover the wounds, not actually heal them and then when they fall off they leave behind a sticky residue that leaves a heart in usually worse shape than it was before.

The Band-Aids for me take the form of unhealthy coping mechanisms. Instead of taking my hurts and sorrow to the Father I drown my sorrows in food or alcohol. Instead of forgiveness and grace I extend bitterness and immediate writing off of the person involved. 

I'm not sure what happened, how I became this person. I used to be nice and generally fun to be around. I don't think "nice" would be the way anyone would describe me in my current state. It's the sad but oh so honest truth.

I am in dire need of open heart surgery. 

And it's a good thing I serve Jehovah Rapha, The Lord is my healer, he is the best cardio thoracic surgeon out there.

Here's the deal about surgery, it ain't easy, there is so much that goes into it. There's the whole getting healthy enough for surgery and all of the tests it takes to see if you are ready. Then fasting and resting at the same time. Then there you are laying on the table in all your glory, anesthesia injected, and then it is up to the surgeon. All your family hoping and praying that the surgeons' hands are steady and sure. Then you come out of surgery and it was successful, you are healed, Praise the Lamb. Now you still have a good bit of recovery ahead of you and that at times may seem worse than living with a broken heart. But then the day comes when you are released  and you are ready to get back to normal life. Here's the good thing about the healed life, is it is a better life and one better than you had before! And of course I know all of this from my hours upon hours of Gray's Anatomy watching. (I mean I am pretty much ready to start my residency at Gray Sloan Memorial Hospital tomorrow!)

I have this sneaking suspicion that inner healing being, spiritual and emotional healing, is about the same, minus some blood and actual scalpels maybe. And I think the Lord knew what He was doing when He created the human heart, physically and metaphorically. I mean He is pretty smart. 

I say ALL (sorry it was so long) this to say that I am not excited for CGA Healing Track in Abilene, TX. It is going to be rough and lots of work. And knowing myself I am going to want to give up and go back home. But I am excited for May, for what I will look like on the other side. For this new found peace and joy I will have! I have hope, maybe not for the duration of the process but for the outcome and from where I sit that is enough for me.

Here's my heart Lord take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.